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Animals know how to get you

Animals know when your clothes have just come home from the cleaners. They recognize when you're wearing black pants. They understand how important it is to keep that new suit looking good.

It is through this inherent ability to see the human clearly for what he or she is that the house beast attacks. Their goal "cats and dogs alike" is to contaminate you for public gatherings.

Do you have a dog or cat? If so, you can relate to a coworker of minedancing the watusi with one of those roller things you use to yank fur offyour clothes.

I walked into her office a couple of mornings ago and she's invented a newdance step involving multiple contortions to get hidden places that cat furadheres to black pants. Her cat lay in waiting that morning for her to put on her freshly minted slacks, then decided it was time for some affection, sidling up to rub her legs, sending her to work masses of animal hair trailing along.

This is not unusual. Gary Larson, who repeatedly picked apart the minds of animals in his syndicated comic strip, is the best example of someone who captured the essence of how animals plot to make humans look silly. His ability to skewer this relationship is unparalleled.

In the spirit of Mr. Larson, it became clear we needed to write a few comic strips for him.

Plot one: Long shaggy dog looks knowingly at male of house as he dons his newly pressed navy blue suit. In the picture, you see the dog panting and wagging his tale. The caption reads, "Alright. Dad's wearing dark blu today."

Plot two: Fluffy black cat sees that mom is wearing white slacks to work today. She watches closely as mom brushes her teeth, then ambles up to show her affection repeatedly right as she is ready to exit the house, rubbing her leg and purring Caption says, "Mom's always looking out for me."

Plot three: Dog is in the car with husband and wife. They are at the cleaners. Dog spots black evening dress in the window waiting to get picked up by his owners. He jumps around the car, excitedly barking, "OH YEAH, they're going out tonight, they're going out tonight."

Mr. Larson can riff further on this theme. But you get the gist.

What Mr. Larson effectively targets is the supernatural ability of the pet to sense something in the human and respond in a way that flummoxes the owner, making him wonder why he spent 10 bucks the last week on canned dog food. When we get a pet, we think we will control them.

In essence, they typically control us. That is what Larson captures animal absurdities juxtaposed against the human mindset that we are smarter.

In the battle of leaving fur behind, cats and dogs defeat humans regularly. We're not even in the ballpark.

Witness my coworker dancing crazily to start the day, rolling the sticky thing up and down her leg. And you know what? When she goes home that night, the leftover adhesive particles on her pants will attract every sliver of animal hair floating in her house, so that when she wakes the next morning, it is to a pair of fur-lined pants. Just what the animal ordered. Wait and see.

Sharing fur products is not the real objective of cats and dogs though. What they're really doing is demonstrating they are able to get you to do what they want, like opening the window to let them in, when the door is already wide open and they can take four steps to walk through it.

There is a business acquaintance of mine who recently suggested cat radar exists in a 3,400-square foot home. His cat has all that room to roam, bu where does it sleep? Not in some open space, no. It chooses clothes that have been laid out on the bed to cozy up to.

Last week I put out a fresh dress shirt and tie to pack for a business trip. I wanted to look professional for an upcoming meeting. One of our cats had a different idea. She decided I should have a wrinkled, crumbled, disheveled look, and bring some extra hair along with me on the trip. She piled on top of the shirt and tie while I went downstairs to check the laundry.

They can shake fur into the air, hide it in your washing machine, find a way to plant it in your car. Each is a method for teaching you a lesson: If you get a pet, count on extra fur just for you. They know they have amnesty from the humans.